Today, I feel hollow. I feel anger. I feel far from home physically. I feel far from home metaphorically. Today, my home has forever been changed.
Last night, I set an alarm for 4:30am to make sure everything was going as everyone said it would. I didn’t go back to sleep.
I sat waiting for the tide to turn the other way, refreshing pages at an obsessive rate. The hours that felt like eternity passed and the sinking feeling became heavier on my being as the realization set in- the mountain had become too tall for Hillary to climb.
I watched the numbers change in real time. Media networks making millions off of this cutthroat election. Someone who I’ve been referring to as He-who-must-not-be-named was announced the 45th president of the United States.
Things feel different today.
Due to my sleeplessness, I considered skipping class. Due to my tears, I considered skipping class. Due to my need to connect to folks back home, I considered skipping class. But my class ‘Causes of Peace’ seemed more relevant today than ever.
The lecture was called ‘Gender Equality and Peace.’ Of course the election became central to our conversation. We talked about Crooked Hillary. We talked about ‘locker room talk.’ We talked about different expectations for leaders depending on their gender. Would she have won if she were a man? Or a Republican? Who knows. But part of her loss is certainly because she is a woman.
Through tears, I spoke of things I’ve seen throughout the campaign- a cardboard cutout of Hillary hanging from a noose in Maine, graffiti calling her a murderer, videos from ‘inside Trump rallies’ where racial slurs and hate speech are caught in painful minutes of footage. And don’t forget the campaign- an endless stream of bullying, fear mongering from the candidate himself- a 15-month long beating of every ‘American’ value into an unrecognizable pulp. We’ve been through a lot. I spoke of fear, for myself as a woman, for minority, immigrant, Muslim and LGBTQ friends and families and communities. This fear is real, and though half of America seems fine with glazing over and embracing the divisive hatred and racism that has fueled the new president’s campaign, the other half is here to resist and we’re not going anywhere.
For the past two and a half years, countless people have questioned my desire and interest in Conflict Resolution and Coexistence. Why would I pursue my master’s in such a field? Y’all, look around. America, by some measures, is a ‘peaceful’ nation, but it sure as hell isn’t at peace. All the ugly hatred that we’ve just put on display for the world to see is why I am pursuing a master’s in this field. THERE IS WORK TO BE DONE.
I got hugs and kind words from friends and classmates from Turkey, from Finland, from Sweden, England, Norway, Australia and Kenya. If you haven’t realized, the effects of this election are felt around the world. People tell me jokingly to stay in Sweden. I say, hell no, I’m going home. Though I know I will return to a transformed America, I hope part of that transformation will be an ignition of political activism, an emergence from a period of political apathy. We need some serious self-reflection- WHITE AMERICA, I’m talking to you. And I’m not excusing myself from this introspection- I know there have been times when I stepped back instead of stepping up - but our posts on social media need to match our action in our communities.
We need to keep talking. We need to keep moving, organizing, pushing each other to new perspectives. The divides in this country are great and we are the ones who will build the bridges. If we stop talking, we stop moving, and this is not a place I want to stay.
